QUESTIONS COMMENTS QUOTATIONS
LIMERICKS AND SHORT VERSES
Miscellaney Phun With English Music
Actual Signs and Bloopers From Kids
In the Office Computers Holidays Verse
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
58. Why Some Parents Drink
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
57. Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.4
Grass snakes can be very dangerous.
56. Abbott and Costello: Mac?
Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
55. Hu's On First?
This was written after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
54. Unlikely Marriages
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
53. Strange Conversions
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
52. Not Raising Hogs
Dear Senator: I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
51. Things I've Learned From My Children
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.
50. Australopithicus Spif-arino
Scott Williams digs things out of his backyard and sends them to the Smithsonian Institute. Here's an actual response.
49. On a Messy Room and the Limitations of Government
A 7th grader wrote to President Reagan: Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room.
48. If Scientists Had Written the Nursery Rhymes
A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct.
47. Some Basic Mock German
46. Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
45. Shakespearean References to Baseball
“I have no joy in this contract.” - Romeo and Juliet
44. Scientific Product Warning Labels
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
43. Hunter's Diary
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
42. How to Give Your Cat a Pill
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
41. McDonnell Douglas Purchase Survey
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. Please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
40. Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
Reverend W. A. Spooner frequently made verbal slips where, by accidentally rearranging his words, he said something quite different from what he intended.
38. For Bumpers and Tee-Shirts
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
37. From the School of Public Logic
A cheese sandwich must be better than eternal happiness.
36. Favorite Epitaphs
I told you I was sick.
35. Changing a Lightbulb by Astrological Sign
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
34. Analogies That Don't Quite Cut the Mustard
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball would not.
33. Letter Home From Camp
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
32. Emo Phillips Quotes
I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. It contained the antidote.
31. Five Dog Crossbreeds
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull: a dog that makes awful mistakes
30. Eight Observations About Dogs
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
29. Childrens' Books That Didn't Make It
"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
28. How to Know When You're Ready to Have Children
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
27. Changing a Lightbulb in Church
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
26. Deep Thoughts
To me, boxing is just like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
25. The Dangers of Bread
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
24. Cow Politics
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
23. College Entrance Exam for Football Players
Some colleges relax their entrance requirements just a little bit, for their football programs.
22. Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, and an army helmet.
21. The Cartoon Laws of Physics
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
20. Man vs. Institution
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check last month.
19. Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.3
Authorities found a corpse in the burnt out forest. It was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask.
18. Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.2
I forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a very rapid rate up the side of the building.
17. Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.1
While going down the stairs, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. They started laughing so hard that one of tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.
16. Baby Boomers: Then vs. Now
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Introducing the new "Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge" device, trade named "BOOK"
14. Aircraft Inertial Guidance Systems
Brought to you by the Commercial Air Transportation Agency for Specific Traffic Regulations Over-sight of Peripheral Hyper-Integrated Electronic Systems - CATASTROPHIES
13. You Know It's Hot When . . .
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
12. Abraham Lincoln's Humor
An author asked Lincoln to promote his book. Lincoln wrote: “For the sort of people who like this book, it is the sort of book those people will like.”
11. Senior Moments
We've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! Please tell me." For three minutes her friend just stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
10. Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
9. The Limitations of Money
I tell you all this because I am your friend, and I want to take away your pain and suffering ... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
8. A Diet You Will Like!
We should all be thin very soon if we rigorously adhere to this pizza, soda, and ice cream diet.
7. The Problem With Resumés
"He passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
6. It's Not the Thesis, But the Advisor
The moral of the story is: Your dissertation doesn't matter; all that matters is your thesis advisor.
5. Age Is a Funny Thing
You get into your teens and now they can't hold you back. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
4. Driving in India
Give right-of-way, in descending order, to: cows, elephants, trucks, buses, cars, camels, motorcycles, pigs, goats, bicycles, dogs, pedestrians.
3. Finding Danny
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
2. Copyright Explained
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.
1. Think Like a Lawyer
The professor of a contract law class asked, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
It mite seem redikulus, but sum peepol want to change the way we spel.
7. The Importance of Punctuation
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours? Gloria
6. How to Spell Potato
The right way to spell POTATO should then be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
5. Cryptic Adages
Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration = Where there is smoke, there is fire.
4. English is Weird
The present is a good time to present the present.
3. English is Tuff Stuff
I will teach you, by means of verse, sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
2. Nine Different "Ough's"
Nine different ways to pronounce he combination "ough," in a single sentence.
1. Fourteen "Hads"
Fourteen "hads" correctly strung together in a sentence.
The name said what you would get. Some who joined especially stood out for their musical weakness.
10. The Really Terrible Orchestra
Half-way through the second part of the Scottish Suite, Dorothy Leeming (double bass) pipes up to ask if we're at the 4/4 bar yet. We're puzzled until we realise she's raced ahead to the third movement.
9. How to Cook a Conductor
Clean the Conductor as you would a squid. Be careful not to overcook, or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.
8. Music Student Bloopers
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
7. Musical Terms
Conductor: someone who espresses his illusions of grandeur by standing on a box and waving a little stick at people while they try to make music in spite of him.
6. A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
Long after a passage is gone, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C#, or were not playing at the time.
5. How to Sing the Blues
You have a right to sing the Blues if your first name is a southern state like Georgia, you're blind, you shot a man in Memphis, and you can't be satisfied.
4. Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
Everyone should play the same piece. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
3. Orchestral Efficiency
All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unnecessary duplication of work.
2. Page Turner's Program Notes
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia.
1. Bangkok Piano Recital Review
Mr. Kropp slowly arose from his stool and left the stage. But he reappeared a moment later with a red-handled fire ax.
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
16. Actual Welfare Applications
"I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married to his father a week before he was born."
15. Actual Samuel Goldwyn Quotes
"I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
14. Actual Courtroom Quotations
The accused, defending his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
13. Actual College Admissions Essay
"I have won spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, and I have performed open-heart surgery. But I have not yet gone to college."
12. Actual Statements Made by Flight Crews
"In the event of oxygen masks descending from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face."
11. Actual Things Put Into Resumés
"Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
10. Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers
"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
9. Actual Newspaper Headlines
War Dims Hope For Peace
8. Actual Newspaper Ads
Tattoos done while you wait
7. Actual Things People Said
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
6. Actual Medical Records
"The patient refused an autopsy."
5. Actual Consumer Product Warning Labels
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
4. Actual Funny Signs in America
In a nonsmoking area: If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
3. Actual Funny Signs in England
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
2. Actual Funny English Signs Abroad
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
1. Actual Excuses for School Absence
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
"I'm being have!"
2-year-old, when his mother told him told to behave
11. Kids' Letters to Santa
Dear Santa, This is the last letter you will ever get from me. Next year I’ll be seven and I won’t believe in you any more.
10. The Owl
I don’t know much about the owl so I am going to write about the bat. The cow is a mammal.
9. Kids' Thoughts on Love
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "Dinosaurs" is on television. (Jill, age 6)
8. Kids' Science Test Answers
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
7. Kids' Letters to God
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
6. Church Kids Say the Darndest Things
A Sunday School teacher asked: Who lived in the Garden of Eden? A child answered: The Adamses.
5. Kids' Quotes on Music
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
4. Kids' Proverbs
Better be safe than.....punch a 5th grader.
3. World History According to Kids' Bloopers
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.
2. The Bible According to Kids
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.
1. Kids Speak to God
Our Father who art in heaven, Hollywood be Thy name.
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
6. Halley's Comet
By order of the General Manager, Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place.
Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
4. Thinkers Anonymous
One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
3. Dying to Work
Furthermore, it appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments.
2. So You Want the Day Off??
Lets take a look at what you are asking for......
1. Dilberts in Real Life
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
The tribesman capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
2. Computer Haiku
Windows NT crashed. I am the BLUE Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
1. Proper Diskette Care
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. To back up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
11. Wrapping Christmas Presents with a Puppy
Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
10. Christmas - Hope Yours Was Better
Tree tips over, popping lights; Curtains catch, house ignites; No one hears the reindeer cries; Wedged in chimney - Santa dies.
9. Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Beat one cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
8. Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
Traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer the same as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
7. The 12 Days of Christmas - Thank-you Notes
O.K. Buster: It's not enough with eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their cows!?
6. The Night Before Christmas (Academically Speaking)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration . . .
5. The Night Before Christmas (Legally Speaking)
WHEREAS, on or about the night or evening prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the Domicile") . . .
4. Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Best wishes for a winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice.
3. Company Christmas Party
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! You'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream... Ha!
2. Kid-Fractured Carols
We three kings of porridge and tar...
1. Cryptic Carols
Adorn the Vestibule = Deck the Halls
I think I might never put my glasses back on
10. The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air. It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
9. After Thanksgiving Dinner
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn, I ate too much pudding and pie. I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin' I'm probably going to die.
8. Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud.
7. If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.
5. Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
4. A Diet Prayer
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
3. Physics Theoretical
The field that really is abstruse, The field where all the screws come loose, The field that's famous for its spoofs . . .
2. Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question.
1. I Am My Own Grandpa
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.