Actual Things Put Into Resumés

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

I have become completely paranoid,
trusting absolutely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist.
But since I possess no training in meteorology,
I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

Personal interests:
Donating blood.
Fourteen gallons so far.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping.
I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often.
Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job:
They insisted that all employees get to work
by 8:45 a.m. every morning.
Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat,
just like my three previous employers.

References: None.
I've left a path of destruction behind me.