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Actual Things People Said [source unknown] "Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" - From an overheard argument about water conservation. "But I thought the ocean went all the way around the world!" - A young woman, in response to an attempt to explain why Arizona doesn't have any beaches. "Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?" - Woman, overheard in a diner. "Monogamy is a type of wood, you idiot!" - Man, upon receiving an answer when he asked what word described someone remaining with one person in marriage. "I bet NATO will be glad to see the end of the Warsaw Concerto." - A woman, commenting on the fall of the Berlin Wall and the likelihood that the Soviet Union would lose its satellite countries. "It works fine. It just doesn't heat." - Customer, describing a broken microwave to an employee of a repair shop. "But it's only the bottom half that needs to be fixed." - A teenager, to her father, after being told a flat tire would need to be replaced. "From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine tooth comb." - a state legislator "There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right." - a state legislator "That's water under the dam." - A television news reporter, referring to the Clinton/Gore campaign fundraising issue. "1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished." - Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s "This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie." - A salesperson, describing a new telephony service. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." - Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." - General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana ... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live" I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas "I think the best incentive is being able to put my jeans on again." - Monica Lewinsky, on whether she is receiving financial incentives from Jenny Craig to lose weight * "That's water over the bridge." * "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." * "Don't eat with your mouth full!" * "I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade." * "He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!" * "We're killing two birds for the price of one." * "You'll know it like the back of your head." * "That's the way the crumble cookies." * "I don't want to sound like a dead horse." * "Let's take a wild stab in the back." Home / Humor and Whimsy