![]() ![]() I took an IQ test and the results were negative. ![]() If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made with meat? ![]() Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. ![]() Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ![]() I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember. ![]() I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ![]() The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ![]() Gravity: It's not just a good idea - it's THE LAW! ![]() Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. ![]() Eschew obfuscation. ![]() I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure. ![]() IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. ![]() All generalizations are false. ![]() Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. ![]() As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. ![]() Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ![]() My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. ![]() In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. ![]() Mediocrity thrives on standardization. ![]() We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. ![]() Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. ![]() I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. ![]() A cubicle is just a padded cell with a door. ![]() When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout. ![]() Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? ![]() Honk if you love peace and quiet. ![]() Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. ![]() Indecision is the key to flexibility. ![]() Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. ![]() All things being equal, fat people use more soap. ![]() No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. ![]() A conclusion is often the place where you got tired of thinking. ![]() For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ![]() The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. ![]() Entropy isn't what it used to be ![]() Be happy, love everybody, and do nice things. ![]() A waist is a terrible thing to mind ![]() COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage ![]() Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy ![]() My reality check just bounced ![]() Boycott shampoo. Demand REAL poo! ![]() I subport publik edjekashun ![]() Roses are red; Violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic, And so am I. ![]() In a world like this, you have to be crazy or you'll go nuts. ![]() Things are so bad these days, it takes nerves of steel just to be neurotic. ![]() I'm getting so accustomed to being tense that when I'm calm it makes me nervous. ![]() I feel good, but every time I feel good I feel bad because I know I'm going to feel worse. ![]() It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. ![]() I know Karate! . . . and several other Japanese words. ![]() Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear ![]() There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. ![]() Always and Never are two words to always remember never to use. ![]() Four-word story of failure - Hired, tired, mired, fired. ![]() As I said before, I never repeat myself. ![]() Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. ![]() All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. ![]() I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol ![]() Rehab is for quitters. ![]() Never say "OOPS!" - always say "Ah, very interesting!" ![]() If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ![]() I love seafood. Especially salt water taffy. ![]() Is salt water taffy the official Utah state fish? ![]() A haunted wigwam is a creepy teepee. ![]() If you build a better mouse trap, chances are you'll catch better mice. ![]() If you don't want your children to hear what you are saying, pretend you're talking to them. ![]() Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional. ![]() I said, "Fly, fly," and the fly flew. Why did the fly fly? Because a spider spied her. ![]() Too many cooks burn their bridges before they hatch. ![]() Time flies. We cannot; they travel at irregular intervals. ![]() If you won't leave me alone, I'll go find somebody who will. [author and source unknown] Home / Humor and Whimsy |