I took an IQ test
and the results were negative.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals
why are they made with meat?
Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
Everywhere is walking distance
if you have the time.
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea -
it's THE LAW!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
I used to think I was indecisive,
but now I'm not sure.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
All generalizations are false.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
other times I let her sleep.
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I'm not tense,
just terribly, terribly alert.
A cubicle is just a padded cell with a door.
When in darkness or in doubt,
run in circles scream and shout.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible
for those who don't have to do it?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Those who live by the sword
get shot by those who don't.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
All things being equal,
fat people use more soap.
No woman has ever shot her husband
while he was doing the dishes.
A conclusion is often the place where
you got tired of thinking.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you'll have to catch up.
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Be happy, love everybody, and do nice things.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Thinly sliced cabbage
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
My reality check just bounced
Demand REAL poo!
I subport publik edjekashun
Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
And so am I.
In a world like this,
you have to be crazy or you'll go nuts.
Things are so bad these days,
it takes nerves of steel just to be neurotic.
I'm getting so accustomed to being tense
that when I'm calm it makes me nervous.
I feel good,
but every time I feel good I feel bad
because I know I'm going to feel worse.
It has recently been discovered
that research causes cancer in rats.
I know Karate! . . .
and several other Japanese words.
Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
There are 3 kinds of people:
those who can count and those who can't.
Always and Never are two words
to always remember never to use.
Four-word story of failure -
Hired, tired, mired, fired.
As I said before,
I never repeat myself.
Join the Army,
meet interesting people,
All those who believe in psychokinesis,
raise my hand.
I drive way too fast
to worry about cholesterol
Rehab is for quitters.
Never say "OOPS!" -
always say "Ah, very interesting!"
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
I love seafood.
Especially salt water taffy.
Is salt water taffy
the official Utah state fish?
A haunted wigwam
is a creepy teepee.
If you build a better mouse trap,
chances are you'll catch better mice.
If you don't want your children to hear what you are saying,
pretend you're talking to them.
Growing old is mandatory.
Growing wise is optional.
I said, "Fly, fly," and the fly flew.
Why did the fly fly? Because a spider spied her.
Too many cooks burn their bridges before they hatch.
We cannot; they travel at irregular intervals.
If you won't leave me alone,
I'll go find somebody who will.
[author and source unknown]
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