(mostly by comedian Steven Wright)
36. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
35. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know how it goes.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
"I think I might have written that."
34. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately -
extremely abstract - no brush, no paint, no canvas;
I just think about it.
33. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
32. A friend of mine once sent me a post card
with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
31. You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?
30. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world.
Perhaps you've seen it some of it.
29. It's a good thing we have gravity,
or else when birds died they'd just stay up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
28. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,"
and I thought, who has the time?
27. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
26. I sold my house this week. I got a good price for it,
but it made my landlord pretty mad.
25. I was in the grocery store.
I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."
It felt a little strange, but I did it.
24. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.
23. For my birthday I got a humidifier.
I filled it with furniture wax, and now my room is all shiny.
22. I bought a self-teaching record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
21. I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done,
so now I just have to fill in the rest.
It's going to be an unauthorized autobiography.
20. I wrote a few children's books.
Not on purpose.
19. All of the people in my building are insane.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store. . .
with a gun. A pricing gun.
She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault,
or I'm marking down everything in the store."
18. One time the power went out in my house
and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around.
I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
17. I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
16. like to pick up hitchhikers.
When they get in the car, it's fun to say,
"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something.
I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
15. Once I was going 70 miles an hour
and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long. . ."
14. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. . .
When I came back the entire area was missing.
13. One night a jet flew much too close to my house.
I was walking from the living room to the kitchen,
and the stewardess told me to sit down.
12. When I woke up this morning my wife asked me,
Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a few mistakes."
11. I bought a dog the other day.
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him -
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
He went insane.
10. I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
9. I like to mix my own water:
two parts H, one part O.
8. They say we're 98% water.
We're that close to drowning.
7. I bought some powdered water,
but I don't know what to add to it.
6. When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child -
5. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach.
It ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say,
"What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
4. My friend has a baby.
I'm recording all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
3. If the pen is mightier than the sword,
in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
2. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is;
it's always room temperature.
1. I just put in some sky-lights.
The people above me are really angry.