(mostly by comedian Steven Wright)
29. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know how it goes.
28. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately -
extremely abstract - no brush, no paint, no canvas;
I just think about it.
27. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
26. A friend of mine once sent me a post card
with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
25. You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?
24. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world.
Perhaps you've seen it some of it.
23. It's a good thing we have gravity,
or else when birds died they'd just stay up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
22. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,"
and I thought, who has the time?
21. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
20. I sold my house this week. I got a good price for it,
but it made my landlord pretty mad.
19. I was in the grocery store.
I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."
It felt a little strange, but I did it.
18. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.
17. For my birthday I got a humidifier.
I filled it with furniture wax, and now my room is all shiny.
16. I bought a self-teaching record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
15. I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done,
so now I just have to fill in the rest.
14. I wrote a few children's books.
Not on purpose.
13. I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
12. Once I was going 70 miles an hour
and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long. . ."
11. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. . .
When I came back the entire area was missing.
10. One night a jet flew much too close to my house.
I was walking from the living room to the kitchen,
and the stewardess told me to sit down.
9. When I woke up this morning my wife asked me,
Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a few mistakes."
8. I bought a dog the other day.
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him -
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
He went insane.
7. I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
6. They say we're 98% water.
We're that close to drowning.
5. I bought some powdered water,
but I don't know what to add to it.
4. When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child -
3. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach.
It ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say,
"What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
2. My friend has a baby.
I'm recording all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
1. If the pen is mightier than the sword,
in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
Humor and Whimsy