Cow Politics
[author and source unknown]


World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows



FEUDALISM
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.



SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you a glass of milk.



FASCISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them,
and sells you the milk.



PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about
who has the most ability and who has the most need.
Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk,
and the cows drop dead of starvation.



RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.
You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the black market.



CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both
and shoots you.



DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows.
The government takes both
and drafts you into the army.



PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors decide
who gets the milk.



REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you
who gets the milk.



BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates
what you can feed them
and when you can milk them.
Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both,
shoots one,
milks the other
and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you
to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.



CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.



PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors will try to
take the cows and kill you.



SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you
to take harmonica lessons


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