[author and source unknown]
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window,
or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Maybe in order to understand mankind,
we have to look at the word itself:
Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
"mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean?
It's a mystery,
and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world,
and they chose a king,
they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I bet the main reason
the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in
and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up and go,
"What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons,
and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you
and asked where the gold was,
I don't think it would be a good idea to say,
"I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet one legend that keeps recurring
in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview,
I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is just like ballet,
except there's no music,
and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream,
would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home
his face might burn up.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,
I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the personís house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,
but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head
with a note that says
After that I usually feel a lot better,
and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy
and people will try to catch you
If you're a young Mafia gangster
out on your first date,
I bet it's real embarrassing
if someone tries to kill you.
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