I ran three miles today.
Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
I'm a great lover,
People come up to me and say,
"Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People come up to me and they're worried...
that I'll reproduce.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it
to gnaw through the leather straps.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me
just to further their careers.
The other day a woman came up to me and said,
"Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.
You can't see out the other way."
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free
and charge five dollars for the second glass.
The refill contained the antidote.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800.
I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.
Given what you've been paying for things lately,
that should more than make up the difference."
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record.
I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought:
well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
...and always remember the last words
of my grandfather, who said,
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