English is Wierd
[author and source unknown]


He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

He got testy when I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


Isnít it strange that
ruly, ert, ept, ane, sipid, and mune
do not exist in English,
whereas their negatives
unruly, inert, inane, insipid, and immune
do?

And, furthermore, have you ever seen
a horseful carriage,
or a strapful gown,
or met a sung hero
or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated,
gruntled,
ruly
or peccable?

And where are all those people
who actually are spring chickens
or who actually would hurt a fly?

If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked
dry cleaners depressed
and club members dismembered?

Why are there
neither pine nor apple in pineapple;
neither mush nor room in mushroom;
no peas in peanut;
no grape in grapefruit;
no butter in buttermilk;
no egg in eggplant;
no bread in shortbread;
no ham in hamburger?

Why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

How can a person be
"pretty ugly?"

How can the weather be
hot as hell one day
and cold as hell another?

If we say a jester jests,
why do we say a pest pesters?

How can your house
burn up as it burns down?

If you freeze orange juice it becomes frozen,
so why when you squeeze an orange
doesn't it become squozen?

Why is it that when a door is open
it's ajar,
but when a jar is open,
it's not adoor?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Is it really possible to have a civil war?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Why is a person who plays the piano called
a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called
a racist?

Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is whack?

If horrific means horrible,
why doesnít terrific mean terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced
onety one?

If careless means without care,
why doesn't wreckless mean without wreck?

If the past tense of write is wrote,
why isnít the past tense of bite bote?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

If itís one goose, two geese,
why not one moose, two meese?

If itís one mouse, two mice,
why not one house, two hice,
and one spouse, two spice?

If teachers have taught,
why havenít preachers praught?

If the singular of geese is goose,
shouldn't a single Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

If people from Poland are called "Poles,"
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"


English muffins
do not come from England,
nor do French fries come from France.

The English Horn
is neither a horn,
nor is it from England.

The guinea pig
is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig.

Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet,
are meat.

Quicksand works slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

We have noses that run
and feet that smell.

We park on driveways
and drive on parkways.

We lift a thumb
to thumb a lift.

We table a plan
in order to plan a table.

We recite at plays
and play at recitals.

You fill in a form
by filling it out.

An alarm clock goes off
by going on.

The human race
isn't a race at all.

A wise man and a wise guy
are in every wise not the same thing.

To buckle means
to fasten together,
but also to fall apart.

Downhill means
itís getting easier,
but can also mean
it's getting worse.

An engagement
is a loving tie,
or a military battle.

To temper means
to harden (steel, for example),
but also to soften (e.g., justice with mercy).

Price and worth mean the same thing,
but priceless and worthless are opposites.

Slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing,
as do quite a lot and quite a few..

Overlook and oversee mean opposite things.

When I wind up my watch, it starts,
but when I wind up a project, it stops.

Sharp and blunt speech are the same thing.

"Crazy man"
is an insult,
but if you insert a comma and say "crazy, man!"
thatís a compliment.

When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

The verb cleave is the only English word
with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other:
adhere and separate.

It pcertainly pseems psomewhat psilly
that psychic starts with a p.


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