110. Who's Hard of Hearing?
A man thought his wife was hard of hearing, but she didn’t agree.
Just to prove his point, he had her stand in the kitchen while he went to the other side of the house and called out to her.
There was no answer, so he tried it from the bedroom. No answer.
Finally he called to her from just outside the kitchen. Still no answer.
He went in and told his wife that this proved she was hard of hearing. She smiled and said, “I answered you three times, but you never heard me.”
109. To Qualify for a Nursing Home
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you decide whether or not an older person should be put into a nursing home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"
108. When I Win the Lottery
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'
'What's dat, says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut.'
107. Epileptic Goldfish
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "Just wait. I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
106. The Irish Farmer's Missing Dog
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
105. Irish Suicide
Paddy's in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What in the world are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe."
104. Ask an Irishman
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
103. Harder Than I Expected
I joined a health club last year.
Spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
102. Are We Poisonous?
Two snakes on a hill.
One asks the other: "Are we poisonous??"
"I dunno. Why?"
"I just bit my lip."
101. Clever Woman
Dan was a single guy, living at home with his sick and elderly father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife to share it with.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He breathlessly approached her, and said:
"I may look like just an ordinary man,' but in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit $65 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
100. It Could Be Worse
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, and I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia.
I have poor circulation, and I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
99. Getting Into Shape
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
98. I'll Say This Only Once
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
97. Six What?
A wife says to her husband, "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs".
96. Defective Nails
Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
95. Two Arabs Reminiscing
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."
"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
94. The Wife With a Problem
A woman goes to a psychiatrist.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"It's my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"Is this a problem for you?"
"Yes. He sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm, she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"Uh.. is this 555-4821?"
92. A Musician Grown Up?
Son: "When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
Father: "I'm sorry son, you can't have it both ways."
91. Is There a Dog?
Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering whether there was a dog.
90. A Small Medium
Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?
A: A small medium at large.
89. The Lost Gene
Attorney to judge:
"We've isolated the gene that caused my client to do this, Your Honor."
88. No Complaints
It is interesting that since the sport of skydiving began,
not one person has ever complained that his parachute didn't open.
87. If It Weren't For You
Just think about it: if it weren't for you, there would just be a pile of your clothes on the floor.
86. Fire and Theft Insurance
They have a new Fire and Theft Insurance.
But they only pay if your house is robbed while it is burning down.
85. Who's the Boss?
I'm the boss in my house.
I can make my wife do anything she wants to do.
84. Speaking of Mental Health
And speaking of mental health -
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
83. Does New York Stop?
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks:
"Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?"
82. A Concussion at the Russian Percussion Discussion
A serious head injury occurred at the Soviet Rhythm Symposium.
- or in other words -
There was a concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.
81. Hear Me Out
Two Hollywood execs were overheard at a power breakfast:
"You're lying to me!" shouted one, pounding the table.
"I know. You're right," said the other, "but hear me out."
80. Jailed For His Beliefs
Family member to another:
"Uncle Charlie was jailed for his beliefs.
He believed the night watchman was sleeping."
79. Be an Angel
Two angels with wings and halos are standing on a cloud.
One says to the other:
"Then my wife said, 'Be an angel. Let me drive . . .'"
78. When I Die
"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather -
not screaming like the passengers in his car."
77. Your Babysitter Just Called
Waiter to patrons in a restaurant:
"Your babysitter just called.
She wanted to know where you keep the fire extinguisher."
76. Get One Free
On a restaurant coupon:
"Buy one hot dog for the price of two
and receive the second hot dog absolutely free."
75. The Problem with Cats
The problem with cats
is that they get the exact same look on their face
whether they see a moth or an ax murderer.
74. How Do You Feel Now?
"How do you feel now that you've quit smoking?"
"I feel better now when I feel bad
than I used to feel when I felt good."
73. Maybe Not Such a Good Cook
My wife isn't such a good cook.
We had people over for dinner two weeks ago,
and they're still sitting there.
72. Half Are Even Dumber
You know how dumb the average guy is?
Well, by definition,
half of them are even dumber than that.
71. The Buddhist Who Refused Novocaine
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
70. The Ten Different Puns
There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends
in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
69. The Tells
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
68. The Mood Ring
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
67. How To Ask for Things
It amazing what you can get people to do for you
if you just politely ask
with a friendly smile
and a gun.
66. Coffee and Pain
"Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my left eye."
"Try taking the spoon out of the cup."
65. Something to Worry About
You think Y2K was something to worry about?
Well, how about Y5B,
when, in only 5 billion more years,
the sun is scheduled to run out of fuel.
64. Bride as Cook
"The best things I cook are meatloaf and peach cobbler."
"Which is this?"
63. Circular Reasoning
A lot of people have dogs nowadays
to protect them from the muggers
they wouldn't run into
if they didn't have to walk their dogs.
62. Cat vs. Comma
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has its claws at the end of its paws,
the comma has its pause at the end of its clause.
61. First Three Legal Questions
Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what the barristers rates were.
Fifty dollars for three questions, the lawyer stated.
Isnt that awfully expensive? the man asked.
Yes, the lawyer replied. And whats your third question?
60. It Depends On Where You Are
Don't you find it strange?
If you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!'
everyone just stares at you.
But if you do the same thing on an airplane, everyone joins in.
59. How Are the House and Barn?
A farmer went through a terrible tornado.
His insurance agent asked,
"Is there much damage to the house and the barn?"
The farmer said,
"Don't know. Haven't found them yet."
58. Tobacco Is Good for Jobs
The tobacco industry
reports that it provides jobs for
2.3 million Americans -
and this doesn't include
physicians, x-ray technicians, nurses, hospital employees, firefighters, dry cleaners, respiratory specialistsc pharmacists, morticians, and gravediggers!
57. How Do You Plead?
In a small rural community, an old horse doctor was elected justice of the peace, and what he didn't know about the law could fill a library.
His first case was a man arrested for stealing a horse.
"Guilty or not guilty?" asked the justice.
"Not guilty," answered the defendant.
"Then what the devil are you doing here?" shouted the justice.
56. Speak Up! Even If . . .
A good executive always wants to keep open his lines of communication with the staff.
One executive told his people,
"Never be afraid of me.
If you have something to complain about, speak up -
even if it costs you your job!"
55. Three Statisticians Hunting Deer
There were three statisticians who went deer-hunting with bows and arrows. They crept through the forest until they spotted a magnificent buck.
The first statistician shot, and his arrow landed five meters to the right of the deer.
The second one shot, and her arrow landed five meters to the left of it.
So the third one jumped out of the bushes and shouted,
"We got him! We got him!"
54. What Are the Odds?
Then there was a statistician who hated to fly because he had nightmares about terrorists with bombs.
Yes, he knew it was a million to one chance, but that wasn't good enough. He had to travel, so he took a lot of trains until he realized what he had to do.
Now, whenever he flies, he packs a bomb in his own suitcase.
Hey, do you know the odds against an airplane carrying two bombs?
53. The Amish Virus
You have just received the Amish virus.
Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list, then manually delete all the files from your hard drive.
Thank you for your cooperation and God bless you.
52. How to Deliver Bad News
The policeman rang the doorbell, not knowing quite how he was going to break the news of her husband's death.
The door opened and she stood there gazing anxiously into the policeman's eyes.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Murphy," he said, "but your husband's new watch is all broken."
"All broken?" she exclaimed. "How did it happen?"
"A piano fell on him."
51. Why, It's Paddy!
Two Irishmen are walking past a pub when suddenly they hear a bomb explode inside.
Out onto the sidewalk, right in front of their feet, rolls a man's head.
The first Irishman gently picks up the head and holds it up to eye level, exclaiming, "Why, it's Paddy!"
The second man says,
"Ach, no. That can't be Paddy.
He wasn't that tall."
50. Modern Art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
49. The Surprising E-mail
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Utah, went on a business trip to California. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Teresa.
Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to Mrs. Tonya Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:
"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
48. The Perfect Memory
A tourist was once introduced to an Indian with a reputedly perfect memory.
Skeptical the tourist asked "What did you have for breakfast on Oct. 4, 1972?"
The Indian answered "eggs."
The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast; he's a fraud."
Seven years later he went on the same trip and met up with the same Indian.
The tourist went up to him and said jovially "How!"
The Indian answered "Scrambled"
47. Don't Scream, Albert
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly,
"Don't get excited, Albert;
don't scream, Albert;
don't yell, Albert;
keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said,
"You certainly are to be commended
for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said,
"Missus, I am Albert."
46. Why He Didn't Do It
A crotchety old resident of Sun City was bitten by a dog, and he contended that is was his neighbor's canine.
When the neighbor was brought to court, he offered this defense:
first of all let me tell you my dog wouldn't do such a thing.
Second, he is blind and can't see to bite anyone.
Third, even if he could see, he couldn't stumble over to bite anyone because he's lame.
Fourth, he has no teeth.
And fifth, my dog died six weeks ago.
Lastly, I never had a dog."
45. A Prayer
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper,
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent.
I'm really glad about that!
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed,
and from then on
I'll probably need a lot more help.
44. Another Myth Exploded by Science
It is commonly believed
that the earth is approximately a sphere
and that people are walking around
on the outside of that sphere.
If that were true,
then the toes of people's shoes
would be curved downward.
Since it is well known that
the toes of people's shoes are curved upward,
this shows that people
are actually walking around
on the inside of the surface of a sphere.
43. A Little Business History
Back in the 1800's
the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products and,
since they already made
the cases for pocket watches,
they decided to market compasses
for the pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that
although their watches were of finest quality,
their compasses were so bad
that people often ended up
in Canada or Mexico
rather than California.
This, of course,
is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"
42. A Case Study in Linguistics
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English,
a double negative forms a positive,
while in other languages, such as Russian,
a double negative is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out,
"in no language
can a double positive form a negative."
A bored voice
from the back of the room responded,
41. Do Something Nice for Dad
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him,
"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid,
figuring it was some incidental expense.
But bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother,
"you said to do something nice for Dad.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
40. Honey, the Car Won't Start
My wife came home yesterday and said,
"Honey, the car won't start,
but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was,
and she told me there was water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said,
"You know, I don't mean this offensively,
but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.
"Okay, honey, that's fine," I said.
"I'll go take a look...
where is it?"
"In the lake."
39. A Golf Game Interrupted
Two men were golfing at the country club. They were on the fourteenth green ready to tee off. The club happened to run parallel to a highway.
Just as the first golfer was in the middle of his back swing, a funeral entourage passed by.
The golfer stopped his swing, removed his hat, and placed it over his heart.
His golfing partner, quite impressed, complimented him. "That's a nice thing to do - to show your respect that way."
And his partner replied, "Why not? She was a great wife for twenty-eight years."
38. Efficient Joke-Telling
Two friends were sentenced to do time in jail. They checked in and got settled, and right before bed time they heard "26!" and then lots of laughter.
Then they heard "14!" and lots of laughter.
"What's going on?" they asked the person in the next cell.
"The same jokes have been told so often that they just numbered them to save time. You try it."
"21!" No one laughed.
"Try another one"
"31!" No one laughed.
"What's wrong?" he asked the old timer.
"Well, some people can tell jokes and some people can't.
37. Jumping On the Wagon - Irish Style
An Irishman sits himself at the bar and orders four whiskeys at the same time.
As he lines them up, the bartender asks, "What are you doing?"
The man says, "Oh, I've got three brothers and we don't live near each other, so each week to make us feel closer together we have a whiskey for ourselves and one for each brother."
Every week, the man would come into the bar and drink four whiskeys.
Then one day he pulled himself up to the bar and ordered only three whiskeys.
The bartender, curiosity getting the better of his sensitivity, said, "Sorry. I'm almost afraid to ask, but did one of your brothers die?"
The man said, "Ach, no. These are just for my brothers. I've given up drinking."
36. "Does This Mean I Can't Call Her a Pig?"
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
The man immediately asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
Then the man asked, "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?"
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
So immediately the man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
35. What Is Preposterous About Movies
Niels Bohr, the great scientist,
enjoyed an occasional cowboy movie,
but complained they were all too unbelievable.
"That the scoundrel runs off with the beautiful girl is logical, it always happens.
That the bridge collapses under their carriage is unlikely, but I'm willing to accept it.
That the heroine remains suspended in midair over a precipice is even more unlikely, but again I accept it.
I am even willing to accept that at that very moment Tom Mix is coming by on his horse to save the day.
"But at that very moment
there should be a fellow
with a motion picture camera
to film the whole business,
that is more than I am willing to believe."
34. What Would You Like to Hear Them Say?
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question:
"When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds,
"I would like to hear them say
that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says,
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies,
"I guess I'd like to hear them say,
"Look, he's moving!"
33. Prove You're From New York City
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the little man.
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out.
They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and filled out my forms for another card. Then I got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And the man asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'
So I stabbed him."
32. Why Most People Have More Than the Average Number of Legs
And this, from England:
Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs?
It's obvious really;
amongst the 57 million people in Britain
there are probably 5,000 people who have only one leg.
By multiplying the remaining 56,995,000 by two
(for the number of their legs)
and adding on the 5000
those with single legs),
and then dividing
the total number of legs
by the number of people,
we find that the
average number of legs
per person is 1.9999123.
Since most people have two legs,
this means they actually have
more than the average number.
31. My Wife Thinks She's a Chicken
Doctor, can you help my wife?
She thinks she's a chicken.
Thinks she's a chicken?
How long has this been going on?
For years, Doctor.
This is terrible!
You should have come to me as soon as she started acting strangely!
Yes, but we needed the eggs!
30. Do You Know Anything About . . . ?
A man goes skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.
He remembers his back-up chute and pulls that cord.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him,
but this guy is going - - up!
Just as the other guy passes by him,
the skydiver yells,
"Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other guy yells back,
"No! Do you know anything
about gas stoves?"
29. The Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
28. The Sea Monsters and the Potato Ship
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.
They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.
Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.
Bob again capsized the ship and ate everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
27. His Last Words
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked,
"Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man scrawled his message upon the paper which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.
After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
"GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"
26. The Strong, Silent Type
The fair was going full swing. One of the attractions was a five-dollar ride in a small biplane.
Aaron and Emma, an elderly couple from New England, decided to chance it.
The pilot did the usual tricks; then in order to get a rise out of the passengers, he tried some fancy maneuvers - loops, and upside-down dives.
Not a sound came from the passenger seats.
As they came in for a low landing, the pilot said, "You folks are really the strong, silent type. I've had passengers screams themselves hoarse."
Aaron said, "Don't believe in public displays, although I admit, I almost said something when my wife fell out."
25. The Duck Who Wanted Grapes
This duck goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he has any grapes.
The Pharmacist says, "No, we do not sell grapes or food here. We are a drug store. Would you please leave."
The duck leaves and comes back the next day and asks the Pharmacist, "Do have any grapes?"
"No" said the pharmacist. "I told you yesterday we are not a grocery store and we do not sell grapes. Please leave."
The duck leaves and returns the next day and ask the pharmacist the same thing, "Do you have any grapes?"
The pharmacist was getting mad now, "NO," he said. "We do not sell grapes or any other kinds of food. If you come in and ask me again, I'll nail your web feet to the floor. Now please leave."
Well, the following day the duck comes in again and ask the pharmacist,"Do you have any nails?"
"NO!" said the pharmacist. "We are not a hardware store."
"Good!" said the duck. "Do you have any grapes?"
24. How Do You Explain That to a Seven-Year-Old?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
23. That's Bureaucracy For You
There were two guys working for the city.
One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill.
These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger,
"I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
22. A New Look at Beer Consumption
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why people feel smarter after a few beers.
21. Out Drinking Again
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
Again, he falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom.
When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
20. Cheating, Irish Style
A young Irish man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Dublin.
An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
"Simple. The American put down on question #5, 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
19. Front Seat Driver
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!?
You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my gosh! Am I driving?"
18. Two Evil Brothers
Two evil brothers were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.
Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly hall.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
17. Who Was Fresh?
On a train speeding toward Warsaw,
before the collapse of the Iron Curtain,
four strangers were sharing one compartment:
a Russian officer, a beautiful maiden, an old peasant woman, and a Polish patriot.
For mile upon mile they traveled in silence.
Suddenly the train entered a tunnel, and darkness fell.
The silence was broken
by the sound of a loud kiss,
followed by the sound, even louder,
of a slap.
As the train roared out of the tunnel,
the Russian officer had a rueful expression
and one cheek much redder than the other.
Still, no one spoke.
But what were they thinking?
The old woman was thinking,
"That filthy Russian -
she gave him what he deserved!"
The Russian was thinking,
That Pole steals a kiss
and I'm the one she slaps."
The maiden was thinking,
why did the Russian officer
kiss that old woman?"
The Polish patriot was thinking,
"Oh, what a clever man I am!
The darkness falls - I kiss my own hand - I get to slap a Russian officer -
and no one is the wiser!"
16. Theater Manners
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, infuriating the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied
15. Murphy the Spy
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, so they call in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland.
If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.'
If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns.
He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.
There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block.
There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank.
There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables.
And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
14. The Stumped Parrot
The Titanic had just set sail on her maiden voyage.
Every night at the bar, a famous magician put on a show, performing the greatest magic tricks anyone had ever seen.
On the first night of the voyage, there was one slight problem.
A big parrot sat on top of the bar eating peanuts, ruining every trick the magician did.
Each time, the parrot sat quietly until the trick was almost completed, and then he would say things like, "Squawk! It's up his sleeve!" or "Squawk! He's hidden it in his hat!ruining the trick for the magician.
Every time the parrot did this, the magician would get madder and madder.
The same thing happened the next night, and the one after that.
The magician spent his days devising better tricks to try and fool this darned parrot.
Finally one night, he was ready to perform his greatest trick of the voyage.
The lights were dimmed, a hush swept over the crowd, the drum roll built to a climax, and the magician executed his most amazing feat of magic when all of a sudden the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
For three days, the magician clung to a door floating in the wreckage, cold and starving.
On the third day, he noticed, on the other end of the door, the parrot sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him.
For three more days the magician just glowered at him, not saying a word in bitter, resentful silence.
Until finally, the parrot couldnt contain himself any longer and squawked, "Alright! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!"
13. The Ultimate VIP
The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco.
Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while.
Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope starts accelerating to see what the limo can do.
He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief.
He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief.
"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" asks the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT???" asks the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
12. An Anatomical Anomaly
Bothered by his patient's attitude, the psychiatrist said, "Do you have any faith in me?
"Sure," the patient answered, "but I still have that screw in my navel."
"No, you don't."
"I do. It's a little round screw." "If you had faith in me, you'd believe me. You have no screw."
"But Doc, I can feel it."
"All right, let's do this - have a screwdriver handy when you go to bed tonight, and when you're about to fall asleep, unscrew the screw. In the morning it'll be gone forever."
The patient returned the next day, more disconsolate than ever.
The psychiatrist asked, "Did you do as I said?"
"You unscrewed the screw?"
"My bottom fell off!"
11. The Pig With a Wooden Leg
Farmer Jones, heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.
His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how did that pig get a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig came running, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore the pig's leg up?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire in the shed up against the barn. Well, that old pig started squealin' and woke us up, and before we got out here, the dern thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"Nope. And when my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond, I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out before I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well," the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
10. It's Going to Be a Long Night
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
9. The Really Good Deed
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is checking the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" the guy asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.
"It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived on your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a big group of Hell's Angels harassing this poor girl.
"I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them tormenting this poor woman.
"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.
"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
"As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
8. God is Missing
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, they decided to have the priest talk to them.
The priest agreed to do it, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the boy.
The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
7. Replacing Quasimodo
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After seing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(You want more, you say?)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
"I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as he stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
(There's more, but that's enough.)
6. A Busy Day at Heaven's Gate
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but for all my searching around I couldn't tell where this other guy was hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the refrigerator and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and he let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.
"You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
"Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
"But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.
I thought for sure he would save me, but he started beating on me and kicking me.
I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.
Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.
Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
5.The Lord spoke to Noah
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet government code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife Commission that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear.
The sun began to shine.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."
4. What Do the Stars Tell You?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping.
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those stars have planets, it's quite likely that some of those planets are like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, they might also have life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
3. What's Your Name?
Thinking no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed watching TV.
"What's your name?" he says menacingly to the wife at gunpoint.
"E-E-Elizabeth," she says.
"This is your lucky day," he says. I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that was my dear mother's name."
He turns to the husband. "What's your name?"
"My name's Harry," says the man. "But everyone calls me Elizabeth."
2. The Best That Bubba Could Do
An old man living alone on a farm wrote to his only son, Bubba, in prison.
"Dear Bubba: I'm feeling pretty bad because I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. Wish you were here - I know you would take care of it for me. Love, Dad."
About a week later, the farmer received this letter.
"Dear Dad, Don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the bodies! Love, Bubba."
The next morning FBI agents stormed the property and dug up the entire garden. They didn't find any bodies, though, so they apologized to the old man and left.
Soon the farmer received another letter.
"Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba."
1. The Talking Dog
Lou sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale."
"What's your story?" Lou asks.
The dog says, "I discovered I had this gift when I was just a pup. The CIA signed me up, and soon I was jetting around the world, sitting at the feet of spies and world leaders, gathering important information and sending it back home. When I tired of that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, where I helped catch drug lords and gunrunners. I was wounded in the line of duty, received some medals, and now a movie is being made of my life."
"How much do you want for the dog?" Lou asks the owner.
"Ten dollars," says the owner.
Lou is incredulous. "Why on earth would you sell that remarkable dog for so little?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."