The Bible
According to Kids

[source unknown]



The statements below are said to have been written by actual students
and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:



In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the sabbath day off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Cain asked God, "Am I my brother's son?"

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Elijah went for a cruise with a widow.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.

Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.

Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it.

One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The Farow forced the Hebrews to make breat without any straw.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on Jesus' head.

John the Baptist was beheaded with the Axe of the Apostles.

Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod's.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

Jesus said if someone slaps you, you should turn and let him have another knock and the door shall be opened.

Jesus said you must love your neighbor even if you hate him.

Jesus said to lay not up for yourselves trousers on earth.

Jesus stood up in the synagogue at Nazareth and read from the Epistle to St. Paul.

A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible.

Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and Peter swore and went out and wept bitterly.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.

The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Paraffin is next in order after saraphim.

A lie is a sin and an abomination in the sight of God, but a very present help in trouble.

The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick.

The Iran is the Bible for Moslems.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The Pope lives in the vacuum.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

The end of the world will mark a turning point in everyone's life.


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