Humor Quotations

18. Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
(Joe Theisman, former quarterback)

17. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
(Dave Barry)

16. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
(David Letterman)

15. A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
(Henry Morgan)

14. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

13. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
(Mark Twain)

12. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
(Jack Handy)

11. My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."
(Betty White, on "Golden Girls")

10. Oh, volunteer work! That's what I like about the holiday season. that's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me.
(Jerry Seinfeld, on "Seinfeld")

9. I think that the unbroken monotony of [my brother Henry’s] goodness and truthfulness and obedience would have been a burden to [my mother] but for the relief and variety I furnished in the other direction.
(Mark Twain)

8. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
(Mark Twain)

7. Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC)

6. I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
(David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.)

5. There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
(Ambrose Bierce)

4. Aaeeeyaaayaaaayaayaa!
(Johnny Weissmuller)

3. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs!
(Sam Goldwyn)

2. Tell me, how did you love my movie?
(Sam Goldwyn)

1. The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it.
(Harold Rome)

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