12 Days of Christmas
Thank-you Notes

December 14, 1998 - My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1998 - Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1998 - Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17, 1998 - Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1998 - Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19, 1998 - Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1998 - John: What's with you and those birds?? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird droppings all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1998 - O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off, Agnes

December 22, 1998 - Hey Dunderhead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And they've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 1998 - You rotten louse: Now there's ten ladies dancing. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! - Agnes

December 24, 1998 - Listen Beast: What's with those eleven lords-a-leaping? All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the crowd. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 1998 - Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Law Offices of
Badger, Beatem and Suem

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