Actual Funny Signs in America

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters"

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife.
Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a dry cleaner's emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see you smoking,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

In a cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

On the side of a garbage truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a beauty shop:
"Dye now!"

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open seven days a week - and weekends"

On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot"

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only"

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave
please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"

In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
"Ears pierced while you wait"

At a number of US military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel"

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs"

In a library:
"Blotter paper will no longer be available
until the public stops taking it away."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
"Are you an adult that cannot read?
If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store
located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card
in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row
and can not read this card,
please tell a crew member."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager."

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will not sell gasoline
to anyone in a glass container."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed"

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks"

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $100.
They won't last an hour!"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated
when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission"

[source unknown]
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