\ Comments

(mostly by comedian Steven Wright)

29. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know how it goes.

28. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately - extremely abstract - no brush, no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

27. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

26. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

25. You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?

24. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it some of it.

23. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay up there. Hunters would be all confused.

22. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," and I thought, who has the time?

21. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

20. I sold my house this week. I got a good price for it, but it made my landlord pretty mad.

19. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." It felt a little strange, but I did it.

18. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

17. For my birthday I got a humidifier. I filled it with furniture wax, and now my room is all shiny.

16. I bought a self-teaching record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

15. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

14. I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose.

13. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

12. Once I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long. . ."

11. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. . . When I came back the entire area was missing.

10. One night a jet flew much too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

9. When I woke up this morning my wife asked me, Did you sleep well?"
I said,
"No, I made a few mistakes."

8. I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him - "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

7. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

6. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.

5. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

4. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child - eventually.

3. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

2. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

1. If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

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