Emo Phillips Quotes

I ran three miles today.
Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I'm a great lover,
I'll bet.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it
to gnaw through the leather straps.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me
just to further their careers.
Darned anthropologists.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free
and charge five dollars for the second glass.
The refill contained the antidote.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought:
well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

...and always remember the last words
of my grandfather, who said,
"A truck!"

[source unknown]

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