Holiday Fruitcake Recipe


1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice


1 gallon whiskey


Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is still of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.


Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer

Break two legs and add to the bowl.

Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beatererers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out the window.

Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

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