Limerics and Short Verses
A maiden at college, Miss Keyes,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and M.D.'s,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You are killing yourself - by degrees!"
There once was a student named Dresser,
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all;
And now he's a college professor!
To manage to keep up a brain
Is no easy job, it is plain;
That's why a great many
Don't ever use any,
Thus avoiding the care and the strain!
A puppy whose hair was so flowing
There really was no way of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
"Please, sir, am I coming or going?"
"There is," said an envious ermine,
"One thing I just can't determine;
When a girl wears my coat,
She's a person of note;
When I wear it, they call me a vermin!
There were three little birds in a wood,
Who always sang hymns when they could.
What the words were about
They could never make out,
But they felt it was doing them good!
A speaker should cultivate brevity
With a suitable leaven of levity.
In short, be terse,
For nothing is worse
Than interminable verbal longevity.
A graduate student at Trinity
Computed the square of infinity.
But it gave him the fidgets
To fiddle with digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.
Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten
To remember what I'd completely forgotten;
That by living so fast,
All my future's my past,
And I'm buried before I'm begotten.
Her voice is so high it's absurd;
It's so shrill that you can't hear a word.
When she's something to say,
She starts running away
So the pitch drops enough to be heard
[by means of the Doppler Effect]
There was a young lady called Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
To her friends, Miss Bright use to chatter,
"I have learned something new about matter,
My speed was so great
That it increased my weight;
Yet I failed to become any fatter."
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
A fly and a flea in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
"Let us fly," said the flea
"Let us flee,"said the fly
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
One-One was a race horse;
Two-Two was one too.
When One-One won one horserace,
Two-Two won one too.
A tooter who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
If Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
then Moses supposes erroneously,
for nobody's toeses are posies of roses,
as Moses supposes his toeses to be.
On mules we find two legs behind
and two we find before.
We stand behind before we find
what those behind be for.
If a Hottentot taught a Hottentot tot
To talk ere the tot could totter,
Ought the Hottenton tot
Be taught to say aught,
Or just what ought to be taught her?
A tree-toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree-toad,
But a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree-toad tried to win
The three-toed she-toad's nod,
For the two-toed tree-toad loved the ground
That the three-toed tree-toad trod.
But the two-toed tree-toad tried in vain;
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree-toad bower, with her three-toad power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
An electron, while trav'ling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
At the sight of his bride
And they "died" in a loving embrace.
A professor of Physics named May
Complains of the classroom today
"The problem, you know,
Is that they're too slow.
We were far better students than they."
His friend, a professor named Beecham,
Said, "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.
But they're not to blame,
For they haven't the same
Class of teachers that we had to teach 'em!"
Humor and Whimsy