The Night Before Christmas
(Legally Speaking)

WHEREAS, on or about the night or evening prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the Domicile") a general lack of stirring or carousing by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stockings, socks, etc., had formerly been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that one Kris Kringle, a/k/a St. Nicholas a/k/a St. Nick a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned Domicile, were located in their individual beds or cots, as the case may be, and were engaged in serial nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, flutter and otherwise cavort in their heads, metaphorically speaking.

Whereupon the party of the first part (variously referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple absolute of said Domicile, along with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mamma"), had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of hooding apparel, e.g. kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved tract adjacent and appurtenant to said Domicile, i.e. the lawn, a certain disturbance of unknown nature) cause, and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to an aperture or window in the Domicile to investigate and attempt to ascertain the cause of said disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter referred to as the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer, of diminutive proportions. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously-referenced Claus

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance tosaid fauna and specifically identified the alleged animal co-conspirators by name- -Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen- (hereinafter referred to as the "Deer"). Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator known only as -Rudolph- may have been involved in the aforementioned ruckus. Rudolph is believed to be distinguishable by virtue of a crimson-coloured olfactory organ, i.e. nose.

With the party of the first part in witness, said Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer, did intentionally, wilfully, and maliciously, with force and arms, and without prior provocation or justification, trespass upon the roofs of several private residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the Domicile, whereupon party of the first part noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, parcels, playthings, and other items of unknown origin, kind, or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the Domicile, whereupon Claus entered said Domicile via utilisation of the soot discharge structure, i.e. the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a scarlet suit, apparently fashioned from a pelt or hide, which was partially or mostly covered with dark residue from said chimney, and Claus carried a large sack containing some portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown contents.

Claus was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but instead did immediately begin to fill the stockings of said minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. Said items did not, however, constitute -gifts- to said minor children, pursuant to the applicable provisions of the Internal Revenue Code of 1986, as amended (hereinafter "the Code"), for federal gift and estate tax purposes.

Upon completion of such task, Claus did impact, stroke, or otherwise touch the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the Domicile to the roof of said Domicile where the Vehicle and Deer waited and ostensibly served as "lookouts." Subsequently, Claus and Deer immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from said Domicile, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim words of uplifting cheer, to-wit: "Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night," or words of similar impart and effect.

(author and source unknown)
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