Humor Quotations

12. Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
(Joe Theisman, former quarterback)

11. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
(Dave Barry)

10. A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
(Henry Morgan)

9. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.

8. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
(Mark Twain)

7. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
(Jack Handy)

6. My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."
(Betty White, on "Golden Girls")

5. I think that the unbroken monotony of my brother Henry's goodness and truthfulness and obedience would have been a burden to my mother but for the relief and variety I furnished in the other direction.
(Mark Twain)

4. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
(Mark Twain)

3. Except for the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC)

2. There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
(Ambrose Bierce)

1. The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it.
(Harold Rome)

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