How to Know When
You're Ready to Have Children

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.
(If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)
Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream.
(This could wake a child at night.)

Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Obtain a large plastic milk jug.
Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug,
while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag
and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag,
and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM.
Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

Obtain a large beanbag chair
and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans.

Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck
to be directly deposited to the store.

Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[author and source unknown]

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